Grief & Growth

It's a new year. I've written out new goals. I've been doing a lot of personal development reading. I've been envisioning how I want 2016 to go now that 2015 has ended. The holidays are over {though our Christmas tree is still up}. My sister's wedding is past. The miscarriage is behind me. And yet it's still very much not. 

It's strange when you go through big monumental things in life and you know you are never going to be the same. Like when you lose someone you love...grief changes you. Or I imagine going through Cancer changes you forever. You probably never look at life through the same lens as before. You are different. You are evolved. And yet it many ways it feels like regression. You appreciate life in a new found way, but you also feel beat down, nearly defeated. Like no matter how positive and grateful you are, life can still take a giant dump on you. And part of you begins to wonder why you are expending all this energy trying so hard. And I guess the only answer I can come up with is that I'm better when I do that. Even if my insides don't match my outside, I know that my actions and choices are in accordance with the kind of person I strive to be. A person who rolls with the good and the bad and tries to learn from the pain and from the hard times. Some days I succeed and some days I simply sit in my pjs and watch Hulu all day and read. And I am okay with that because I'm learning to give myself some grace. I'm learning. I'm growing...

I just forgot about how those growing pains can really hurt sometimes.